Employment
Application
Legal First Name:
Legal Last Name:
if applicable
Name You are
Known by on the
Outer Rim :
Email Address:
How did you find
out about DIPS?:
Advertisement from TV, Magazines, Billboards, Side of a Truck,
or that little divider thing at the grocery store check out.
Referred by a DIPS employee on a bet.
Job Fair or Local Carnival.
This really awesome website.
Can you provide legal documentation establishing your identity to be legally employed
in the United Imperial States of Earth?:
Yes
No
 Define "legal"
As a condition of employment with DIPS Corp., are you willing to undergo a
criminal background check?
Note: The existence of a criminal history will not automatically disqualify you for a job.  
It may place you into the management program.
No
 I can't answer as I am
currently under indictment.
Yes
Carbon Based Life Form
To Which Do
you Qualify?:
Android
Undead
Choose a Position:
did you make sure to note which
positions have hiring requirements?
_____________________________________________________________________________________                                         
Personality Assessment Test
You will now be asked a number of questions to assess your personality.  You will be secretly timed during this
process and watched through a two way mirror to observe your test taking abilities.  Please do not simply select the
answers you think we want to hear because we can tell.
1.  Honesty is always the best policy, unless lying will get you what you want.
Agree
 Disagree
 I might be lying right now
2.  Before I begin anything, I insist on using wet naps.
Agree
 Disagree
Check, please
3.  I find criticism from others difficult to take because it opens up deep emotional scars from
my childhood that challenges my personal self-worth and makes me lash out aggressively
in self defense.
Agree
Disagree
 WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?
4.  I am concerned that others aren't concerned enough about me.
Agree
 Disagree
I wasn't paying attention, was that
question about me?
5.  Heavy workloads do not cause me stress because I never do them anyway.
Agree
Disagree
 Shh... I'm on a break.
6.  I believe that most people would lie to get ahead.  The rest would murder for it.
Agree
Disagree
 I take the Fifth.
7.  I am a very detail-oriented person who never makes misstakes.
Agree
 Disagree
Of course I prooofread it.
8.  I am always in control of my moods, unless the Prozac wears off.
Agree
Disagree
 I am a Scientologist and don't believe in medication
for mental illness, but I do believe L.Ron Hubbard
is a great science fiction writer.
9.  I am indifferent to the feelings of others because they are all a bunch of whiny jerks.
Agree
Who cares, you Putz.
Disagree
10.  It's okay to tell a white lie sometimes, but a black lie would be racist.
Agree
 Disagree
I only see things in shades of gray.
11.  I sometimes act out my frustration using marionettes.
Agree
Disagree
 Some day I'll be a real boy.
12.  I often misplace things when I've had over four margaritas for lunch, but three is okay.
Agree
 Do tequila shots count?
Disagree
13.  I can easily read and understand numbers, but not at the same time.
Agree
 Disagree
 Sorry, you lost me.
14.  I never let other people see I am upset, but instead bottle up my emotions and take them
outon my spouse and children.
Agree
 Disagree
 I also drink heavily.
15.  Most people are completely honest, kind to others, thoughtful, loving, giving, and
recognize sarcasm when they read it.
Agree
 Disagree
Suuuure
16.  I stay calm under stress, but freak out under beach umbrellas.
Agree
 Disagree
 I'm not very good with awnings, either.
17.  I find it hard to lie on the floor and prefer to nap at my desk.
Agree
Disagree
 Zzzz...
18.   My friends would say that I'm very even-tempered if I paid them enough.
Agree
Disagree
 Do you take checks?
19.  Most people will cheat if they have the right opportunity.  Me, I don't wait.
Depends what's on TV.
Agree
 Disagree
20.  I want every detail taken care of, every pile neatly stacked, every pencil sharpened to exactly
six inches in length, and every door locked and relocked until I'm comfortable it's been done right.
Agree
 Disagree
Agree/Disagree/Agree/Disagree
A customer walks into your store.  How would you approach the customer?  
Choose the BEST response.
A.      S'up
B.      Ignore them and maybe they'll leave you alone.
C.       Offer to carry their purse or wallet for them, making sure to act shifty and suspicious.
D.      Greet them by saying, "Hello, and welcome to our store!  What can I help you with today?  
Did you read about our special sales?  Let me show you to the aisle you are looking for.  
Can I carry your items for you?  Can I help you to your car? Thanks so much for shopping
with us today!"
A co-worker invites you to lunch saying that she'll pay the tab.  You happen to know that she doesn't
have much money, so you ask how she can afford to pay.  She flashes four $20.00 bills and explains
that she found them at work.  What would you do?  
Choose the BEST response.
A.      React in shock, tell her how terrible she is, then pick a restaurant.
B.      Offer to take her $80.00 and double it at the track.
C.      Hit her over the head and steal her money.  Who is she going to report it to?  The manager?
D.  Tell her you do not believe in stealing, especially from such a giving and caring company which
always looks out for its employees.  Tell her she has brought shame to her position and
explain to her that as a loyal employee, it is now your duty to turn her in to your manager.   
And then do so.
A new store associate in another department asks you about the features of the merchandise
in his department.  You just explained all of this to him the day before.  What would you do?  
Choose the BEST response.
A.      Offer to help him AGAIN but this time it will cost him.
B.      Talk to him slowly and methodically as if he were a small child because he clearly
doesn't have the brain capacity to handle even the easiest of tasks at a minimum wage job.
C.       Pretend like you don't hear him and every time he speaks act like you are swatting at a
fly buzzing around your head.
D.       Patiently show him his job again, and get used to it, because you are obviously going to
have to pick up the slack for this moron  as long as he works here.
You have just discovered that you may have made a mistake.  You think you might have given a
customer a less expensive item than the one she paid for, but you are not sure.  What would you do?
Choose the BEST response.
A.       Take the difference for the item from you till and buy yourself something nice.
B.       Try seeing if you can get away with it again with the next twelve customers in a row.  
C.       Blame the fat guy who works with you because fat people are lazy and stupid.  
D.       Race after her to the parking lot, throw yourself in front of her vehicle, and offer her the
difference from your own wallet, the entire time bowing down, not making eye contact, and
groveling for her forgiveness.
Are you ready to join the DIPS Team?  
Fill out this application, now!
.
This file is not intended to be viewed directly using a web browser. To create a viewable file, use the Preview in Browser or Publish to Yahoo! Web Hosting commands from within Yahoo! SiteBuilder.